Bound for Sea-Tac airport, 9:37am the 14th in the Philippines, 6:37pm the 13th in Seattle.
The captain just announced our descend towards Seattle, I opened the window shade expecting darkness but was greeted by sunshine.
It already feels different, the clouds even look different, no more humidity, no more hard rain, no more heat. Seattle when I arrive will be 56 degrees. The water below looks cold and uninviting unlike the warm tropical waters of Alegria.
Leaving Cebu wasn't hard, hugged my cousins, said my goodbyes. It was different, I wasn't as sad, I could sense my return. My chest wasn't heavy, no hollowness inside, suprisingly no tears. I was excited to return to Seattle...to return to my family.
But now, now as we descend...now comes the tears...why NOW? I wasn't expecting this to happen. I will miss Manila. Will definitely miss Cebu. The office of PCIJ where I spent many long days...god I can no longer hold back the tears, the page blurs in front of me.
I hate how I can return to this country, leaving a place I hold very close to my heart behind. It is a blessing and a curse. I have dreaded this moment of reflection, knowing I would breakdown. The last two months and one week to be exact have been a blur, days of confusion, excitment, and Red Horse...mwhahaha.
Looking back now, I feel that I have accomplished nothing. More of a waste of my time? I don't know. I should have done more, seen more, I expected much more and I'm coming back empty handed. What did I learn? Did I learn anything? Have I found myself? Was that why I went back? Have I been transformed? What does that even mean?
What about death? People would say I would've done great things. But I'm here on this plane, alive and well...will I do great things? What do people expect of and from me?
I will disappoint you all.
Tears of joy, regret, despair. PADD, FASA, graduation, Fulbright, money...I can't handle the pressures. I have experiences to share but what have I done that is worth telling?
Tears.
I can see the I-90 bridge...we're getting closer.
We've finally landed. I'm back home. Home? Is this home?
Back in the first world, it is what I've known for fourteen years of my life. This woman next to me probably thinks I'm crazy...why is this stupid girl crying and writing.
I feel thankful, grateful of having the opportunity to experience and live the life that I live.
I don't think I'm making any sense right now.
I feel cursed with a wound I've inflicted on myself.
Bottled tears of memory, history and uncertainty.
Shit. Need to stop crying, immigrations/customs...need to look normal.
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2 comments:
No worries Mae :) Your friends and family here on this PLANET got your back!
In a way I know just how you feel. Leaving the Philippines and touching down on Seattle has always been the hardest for me, because every time I have to leave my family, who through no lack of eloquence express how much they'll miss me and me them.
i second what your bro said (is that your bro? i wasn't sure) :pz
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